Yesterday I participated in my community’s music and arts festival as an “artist” selling my jewelry. I have never before sold the jewelry I make, I have always made it for myself and for gifts for friends. The festival went well, and having nothing to compare my experience to, I was most pleased last night after the hubbub of the festival. There were highpoints, and there were low points, but I did make some money and I did get a lot of praise for my creations and overall I felt pretty good about my day.
That was last night. For some reason this morning I feel dejected and struggle with feelings of low self-worth. I feel uninspired, dull and generally not artsy or creative. I find myself thinking that the only reason I made any money was because of the purchases of friends who were “being nice”. I find myself thinking that they and other persons who bought my jewelry will later regret their purchases. Despite a part of me that says all of these feelings are ridiculous and that I should feel better about myself, I just generally feel gloomy. I did an inventory to see if that would make me feel better – and (excluding earrings which I sold very few) I sold about half of what I presented. That seems pretty good. And yet I feel like curling into bed and hiding my head.
What is up with that? I am writing this out in a effort to understand it myself. It seems like I “should” be happily riding on the waves of a successful venture. And yet I doubt myself and mercilessly scoff at myself and my aspirations at labeling myself an artist. Who am I kidding?
Perhaps it is the gloomy day. Perhaps it is that I looked on Etsy last night and compared myself and found myself lacking. (I am thinking about creating an etsy shop to sell the rest of my jewelry). Perhaps it is simply my ego trying to keep me from enjoying my success. Perhaps it is a delusional side effect of the sunburn I received yesteray.
and I say blech.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: ego, jewelry, ramblings, self doubt, self esteem, self worth
