Ego Maelstrom

Ego sweeps in like a storm. So sudden, swift and all-encompassing in its sensory blindness that I am engulfed in forgetfulness, so little is my awareness of the tools I can use to extricate myself. Luckily these days, as overwhelming as these storms are, my blindness is typically short-lived. Eckert Tolle (my own words) speaks of the means to free oneself from the self-hating, self-defeating guile of ego is to engage active Presence. In the midst of the maelstrom’s peak the raging winds of self-flagellation drown out the centered voice of presence.

I just finished reading a novel about Sappho and she (in the fiction) speaks of longing and desire “I want, I want, I want” but not knowing what the wanting is, just wanting to feel fulfilled and feeling instead a vast emptiness. I related well to those passages yesterday.

Thank goddess for a new day and a gradual clearing of the mists that veiled my senses. It is the simple things that brings me back to presence. My morning coffee, the playfulness of my kitties, the feel of the damp earth under my bare feet. Suddenly I can breathe deeper.  I feel hopeful and wonderment again. There is still a lingering sense of sadness, of longing. I long for….what I do not know exactly, or maybe I just can’t quite put it into words. I long to better understand myself, to feel love and acceptance of myself, to find the inner peace that leads to outer peace. I am much closer to that place today. Closer because I am no longer trying to seek that place from a place of desparate wanting that truly does nothing more than lead me further away from peace, further down into the depths of despair and further deficit and feelings of wanting, of lacking, of never being enough. But today I am closer to the stillness and presence where I know that I am enough and that all is well always.