Completion #2 Book list!

Whew! This one was a doozy. I finished the Communist Manifesto! Woohoo. I have a lot of thoughts about this book but as yet most of them are inchoate so I may or may not talk about them later. It was a challenge to read, as so much of it is of the period – which I don’t know the history of and I am only semi-moderately interested in learning about…so there. As I said, reading Anna Karennina helped.  The bourgeousie and proletariat do remind me of existing class struggles between the democrats and the republicans…but as I said, inchoate. Or maybe its just too much thinking for a Tuesday.

brain exploding….now

aarrgh…throttle throttle

That is describe the verbal sounds I am making and the physical action I would like to take toward a particular student right now. I just spent an hour and 1/2 grading a ridiculous, inaccurate and plagiarized paper. Lovely.

That is just a fraction of the aggravation and ridiculous behavior that I have endured from the student for the past two weeks. Luckily, my time with her will be done for the semester as soon as I spend a ridiculous amount of time documenting her inappropriate behavior in clinical so she can receive student counseling. Lucky for me, she is on another campus, so another instructor will be doing the actual counseling in my stead. Otherwise the action in the title might prove irresistable.

ridiculous and trifling. I don’t often have the opportunity to use that word trifling, so I am certain it is spelled wrong. Or maybe it is just the southern tendency to add extra vowels. I digress.

I am a psychiatric nurse, and love psych patients…but not when they are my students.

To provide an example of a smidge of her ridiculous behavior: I receive an email from her a few hours before her assignment is due. Now the assignment requires listing and defining her assigned client’s (it is a clinical assignment) Axis I diagnosis. Which means in short, psychiatric diagnosis. She is also to provide textbook diagnosis and the client’s symptoms in comparison.  In the email she tells me that the clients diagnosis in the client’s chart was “nightmares and FB” (wrong, but not the point) and that she cannot find a textbook definition. She then proceeds to explain to me that FB is a flesh-browning disease of apples.

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry.

I did not respond.

MUST Keep trying to remember the faces of sweet lovely and intelligent students….

Completion of #1 of 50 list

What an accomplishment. Last night I finally finished Anna Kareninna. Phew. I must say that despite the enormity of the book (it is soooo long), there was much of merit. I also must say that I don’t feel that I fully grasped some of the deeper themes about social conditions and the significance of the two major love stories to those social themes. I think there is significance there, but I require more pondering.  Another thing I don’t understand (and I won’t give details so I won’t give things away to my friend who is reading this too) is that after the major climactic event the story takes an unexpected and rather boring (to me) turn of events. It seems that after this event would have been a good place to end the book – or I wanted to hear more about the impact of the event on the different characters, but seemingly irrelevant characters are brought to the fore and it is politics and war that it the subject of the next 50 pages before the book finally draws to a close. I will tell you, that last 50 pages was quite a struggle to get through. But I perservered, hoping for some conclusion that I never reached. I think I missed something. I think there was something of cultural and period-significance that I am not able to fully comprehend. I can sense that it is there….but it is just out of my grasp.

I think it has been quite helpful to me to have been reading “The Communist Manifesto” simulataneously (thought it is I confess being quite the chore as well).  You have Vronsky, a true bourgiouse and then Levin, still a bourgiouse but you can see he growth toards social/communist leanings as he beging to see his peasants as more than just worker drones that serve (an often act against) his creation of wealth. The book helped me to see the old mindset of feudalism, which was not so far in the distant past, and how it’s dissolution and the subsequent unrest in Russia led to the creation of a Communist mindset. To my understanding, Levin is exemplary of this.

ah, these concepts are too big for my mind this early sunday morning and my body needs to run.

More happiness

Joy

Seriously, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. For those of you who read the post preceding, you might be thinking right now that I am a wack-job, or at the very least I have mercurial mood-swings (which may be true every now and then, but not now). But, no, that is not the case.

Yes I met with my sister. Yes it was fine…good actually – and surprisingly I feel at peace. Not beginning anew, but at peace. I have desired this for so long that to actually feel it is truly amazing. Lifting of the veil of darkness that is self-created and feeling connection on a human level.

Anyway, I digress. Back to simple things that make me happy.

1. Being a kid with my husband. Yesterday evening we flew our kite. Love love. Soul nourishment. Running in the park in my barefeet and my suit pants that I never changed out of after work. I shed the jacket and the shoes along with the adult Jennifer and just played. Gusts of wind and soaring then diving crashing. Running and laughing. We played again today. Badmitton of sorts in the backyard. Not scoring, just playing.

2. Feeling the fall air. I seriously could live outside right now. I want to erect a tent in my backyard and pretend I am 10 again. I want to pile up in blankets on my front porch swing and dwell in the crispness of the air. Air that’s redolent of pumpkins, the spice of crushed leaves, and the soft gentleness of change. I am especially loving riding my scooter right now. I took it out twice today. Once with a destination, once without. I love the smells as I am riding. freshly mown lawn, the fire of barbeque grills, dryer sheets, and cooking smells are just a few of the delights of my nose. The wind feels incredible (though a bit nippy now, I am going to have to start wearing gloves) and I try to ignore the random sensations of wetness from I know not where. I feel joy.  When I feel like this, not much can get me down. I was riding behind an SUV when I felt some random wetness on my face (not nice)…but then it seemed like rain. Learned something new: if you use your windshield wiper fluid and a cycle is behind you – they get a bath. So, I see this is happening, and I slow down a bit to avoid the deluge. But this lady is continually using her spray for like 4 blocks! Then we get to a stop sign and she is still pumping it out. What the heck! Then she starts using the rear sprayer! Okay, seriously? I then notice that she is watching me in the rearview. I know tend to think that the world is all about me all the time, but seriously! So I start laughing. Normally this would piss me off, but today I just find it uproariously funny. I am shaking my head and laughing all to myself and she is still watching me in the rearview…and guess what? She stops the spraying. Whether it was about me or not, it was very entertaining.

3. Getting nods and waves from cool motorcycle dudes. This happens when I ride the scooter. It makes me feel kind of cool….even though a part of me feels a wee bit like a fraud because a motorcycle is in a whole nother class…but still.

4. Masala Tea Spice. I am sipping a glorious chai as we speak. Soul happy seriously.

5. Lovely friends that make me smile and like to play funsies.

6. Silly cats

7. Fresh fig eaten right off the tree.

8. Seriously there is more but now my stove is beeping its damn head off and I must away. smiles.

Dealing

This is a “dealing with stuff” week I think. I got up this morning planning (well actually I planned to run a 5k this morning, but there is a torrential flood and I have a sore on my foot from running in the rain on Wed so that wasn’t gonna happen- dealing with that too) to journal about this situation…and as I started to do so, I decided that blogging my be more helpful. So this post will be a little journal-esque, and if that bothers you, you can stop reading now…I do have funner posts on other things I think.

So I am dealing with a lot of emotions regarding my older sister. You see, she apparently has brain cancer now. Which likely means that she doesn’t have very long to live for real. I say for real, because experience has taught me to take everything I hear about this sister with a grain of salt, because when dealing with her the line between reality and imaginary/lies/fabrications is often blurred to non-existent.

FYI: I haven’t had a relationship or really spoken to this sister in about 7 years. That may sound harsh, and I feel I receive a lot of judgment from various persons about my decision to sever this relationship. In the beginning I did it for my sanity, because I didn’t know how not to continue to be hurt and betrayed in that relationship. I didn’t know how to set boundaries that would protect me. And as much as I hate to admit it, in the beginning I secretly hoped that severing our relationship would make her see how she had hurt me and others and that she would change her ways. Luckily, as I have moved along my recovery journey, that desire has fallen away. For the most part now, my reasons for not being in relationship with her are still out of a need to protect myself and also out of a desire not to be a part of the drama whirlwind that she wraps around herself like a protective blanket. I continue to see its destructive path affect others in my family and get a taste of its ferocity when those persons speak to me about her. The winds of chaos are strong – even from a distance, and I often feel its pull. This is one of the main reasons for my extreme distance; the difference now is that the reason I stay away is for me and is no longer really about her.

I went through a big process (that I won’t go into now) to find forgiveness for her and for myself. My resentments and anger toward her were like the cavernous maw of a black hole, destroying all light that crossed its path. I felt so much anger toward her that there was a time when literally I was afraid to see her for fear I would try to physically harm her. I won’t go into detail about the actions she took that caused me and others so much harm, about the destructions and pain she caused in my life and the lives of those I love, but know that it was great and felt unpardonable to me.

But then, I thought I found forgiveness. I primarily forgave myself for trusting her. My hatred slipped away. I still did not desire a relationship with her, but I no longer felt that consuming rage when I thought of her or someone else mentioned her.

Ah but the cooling waters of forgiveness were not complete. Deep in the ashes an ember still burned, not flaming but smoldering and continuing to burn. Like the firestones that our ancient ancestors carried to always have the ability to start a fire, I too have carried with me this ember. From time to time I have fanned its flames with news of her from father or sister. I have kept it tightly controlled, quickly suppressing the occassional flare. Often I have desired to release it, to just put it down…but I haven’t known how, haven’t seen the opportunity for healing.

It may well be that the time has come. She has brain cancer. I have heard that she was dying before, and I didn’t believe it. Rightly so I think. I thought then about how I would feel if she died, and did I feel like I needed to reconcile with her? My answer was always no; I no longer felt like I had any emotions for her – positive or negative (denial of the ember), and that she is so much not a part of my life that it wouldn’t really impact me.

Now I am faced with the harsher reality and it seems that this reality is fixed. And I started thinking that maybe reconciliation is what I need now. I started thinking that if I was dying and my sister hated me, I would want to hear forgiveness before I died, and that offering that to her is the right thing to do…..and not just for her but for me too. I also started thinking about the rest of my family – her children, my father and my other sister. I know that my decisions have not been easy for them and I know that they are struggling right now and have long desired some semblance of unity in our family….and right now I would like to set their minds at ease about this too.

So a few days ago I decided that I am going to go see her. I made the decision and then tucked all thoughts about it away to wait until this weekend (now) when I can have the space to think about it and how I want to accomplish it…and truly whether or not I want to carry that decision to fruition. To take the time to examine my motives and to look into my heart and see if I can do this thing with love and not to expect anything from her. I want not to rehash anything. I don’t want to tell her how she has hurt me…but I also want to be genuine and NOT to be a martyr about it…and I totally have the capacity for that.

I read this passage from one of the books I am reading (actually updated the sidebar and yes, I am reading all of those….little here and there from each) by Thich Nhat Han entitled “Anger”:

“According to the Buddha’s teachings, the most basic condition for happiness is freedom. Here we do not meana political freedom, but freedom from the mental formations of anger, despair, jealousy, and delusion. These mental formations are described by the Buddha as poisons. As long as these poisons are still in our heart, happiness cannot be possible.

In order to be free from anger, we have to practice…We cannot ask the Buddha, Jesus, God, or Mohammed to ake anger out of our hearts for us.”

I have been praying for years for healing, for forgiveness. Perhaps now this is the practice.

General updates

I have had a lot to say at various times this week. Now today, when I actually have some time to sit down and “write” my mind is virtually blank. So I am going to “act as if” I know what I want to write about and just go from there.

School is hectic and makes me tired and I have little left for creativity which makes me sad and that is about all I have to say about that. Well except that it seems funny when I talk about “school” and I feel like I need to clarify that I am not going to school but teaching. Which feels funny because it seems that being a student is a much more natural place for me. Not that I don’t love teaching, I really do. And I am discovering that I am getting better at it and enjoying it more. Amazing what a year of experience will do.

Onward to other topics: I am reading Anna Karrenina and loving it. Lots of plots and themes that weave in and out of the surface plots of love and angst. I am simulataneiously reading The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx. I think this is quite serendipitious, as they are from around the same time and reading the one helps me to better understand the other. The Communist Manifesto is deep and I am only reading a few pages a week. Most of it I don’t understand contextually….it might have helped if I had read more of the introduction, which, by the way, is longer than the actual manifesto. I digress. Anyway the themes of the underdog and the rich suppressing the poor are still relevant today I think. In many cases I am reminded of the current political struggle occurring in our country – the bourgousie in many ways resemble the upper strata die hard republicans of today.  I am half-way through, perhaps I will have more to say when I am finished. It will likely be a while. Likewise with Anna Karrenina, as it is thick and a heavy read. I tend to soar through when reading something I enjoy. In this case that is to my detriment, as I feel I am missing many of the subtle nuances of plot and history that appear as so much background information – but are in reality (I think) truly the story that Tolstoy wishes to portray (class struggles etc). So I wind up re-reading paragraphs quite a bit.

oh well, I suppose I truly have nothing else interesting to say and as I likely haven’t said anything interesting to this point, I should quit before I lose any reader(s) I might have.

All things financial

All things financial tend to freak me out. Money coming in, money going out, debt, how to make more money, not enough money, beliefs about money, paying off debt, ever increasing interest. AAAAGGGHHH.

So this morning bright and early I go online to pay my student loan payment. I don’t like to think about how much I owe, (which is 1/2 of what I owe on my house…yikes!). I am on a graduated payment plan right now (another detail I don’t like to think about too hard) because the full amount results in the money running out before the next payday…and you know, I like to eat and have electricity and gas in my car – things like that.

So this morning, I am gonna make this payment real quick before my run because I usually pay it earlier in the month, so I don’t think I have more money than I do, even though it is not due until the end of the month, and here is it already almost mid-month. whew. Anyway it is showing that I owe almost 2.5 times my regular payment, including late fees etc. What the heck!!! Time for panic and now I am running late to run, which sets my whole morning back and generally I am in a very agitated state.

So I call the loan company, who initially tell me I am late….even though I made a payment last month. Then, oops, hahaha, there the payment is, it got applied to the wrong group (which will not be due until 2011…can’t wait) and just hold on while we fix it. whew.

I am becoming more and more aware of all the negative beliefs I have about money, and all things financial. It makes me hurt, and I am beginning to wonder if it is true all the stuff I have been reading lately about how your beliefs create your situation in life (like my belief that dealing with money is difficult, or that there is always lack). I am trying to become aware of those beliefs and work on changing them – even though the task seems monumental, as many of these beliefs and fears about money are very well entrenched.

But then, tailspins like the one I had this morning are not much fun either.

Seeing Red…and thoughts on birthday happiness

I got red lipstick today for my birthday. Well, mostly red, with brown and pinky tones. I also bought luscious bluegreen eyeshadow. Neither of these things are normal for me. I tend to want to buy/wear brighter things, but let fear dissuade me. My dear friend, whom I believe has excellent taste in makeup purchasing and application, went with me to MAC (love love love) and helped me pick out a lipstick. This is significant, because I have just been wearing gloss for the greater part of the last 8 or 9 years, which means that 99% of the time it looks like I am wearing nothing at all. And, if I were to pick out a lipstick by myself, it would be nude or pale pink. This is called “Diva” and that expresses it exactly. It feels quite sumptous and daring to have this brilliant color on my lips. Plus I added the green eyeshadow to the pinks I had applied this morning. I am bright! and I feel beautiful. It is good. So, friend, if you are reading this – you were right…bright lipstick is definitely a mood enhancer. Thank you for everything.

I am looking forward to testing the mood-enhancing properties of lipstick on low days.

Today is my birthday. I am 33 today, which I think is a magical number. My favorite number is 9 because of the roundness of it all, and my second favorite number is 3. So there you go.

I just want to laud my progress just a little bit. Today I ran 40 out of 43 minutes which equaled just over 3 miles. Pretty amazing for a girl of 213lbs. (I am holding out at 213…my friend made me an amazing homemade strawberry cake that is TO DIE FOR…so not weighing this week!) Anyway, that is a new record for me. 5k race here I come. I feel so amazed and energized that I have come this far in just a few short months. It really makes me think about how much more I can do if I set my mind to it. the possibilities really are limitless.

So here is to a fabulous beginning to an absolutely fabulous year. This is going to be my best one yet!

Lost again….and thoughts on writing

So this is what happens. During the summer I got into a pretty regular (for me) pattern of blogging…and then school started and within no time, shot that all to hell.

However I have been blogging in my head. There is something about the act of blogging, or writing in general, that it seems that now that I have gotten started, I can’t voluntarily stop. So topics come into my mind all the time, and frequently I think about how I would blog them – what I would write, witticisms and so forth. Unfortunately I forget most of them, or I just don’t have time to type them out (or I don’t take time).

For instance, I have been wanting for some time to blog about my running experiences. Even posted that intent in a previous blog…and I could go there now, but I won’t.

I also would like to blog about my new perfume experience – first time wearing a perfume that I actually bought in a department store and that is a name that a lot of women (not me) would recognize. Overload of the olfactory. (I am very sensitive to perfumes and smells you see). And I would like to blog about the experience of my husband liking my perfume for the very first time in the 9 years we have been together.

Additionally I would like to blog about my experiences with a new group of students. 79 of them. About the culture of a group – the way this group has a much different feel than the last group. And about how different it is for me, coming at this with a little experience.

I also want to blog about my progress into Anna Karennina (or however the heck you spell it) and Karl Marx.

But I won’t blog (well, maybe I did a little) about any of those things because I don’t have time as any minute now I have an engagement.

What I do want to blog about for a minute is my dreams – particularly the dreams I have been having this week. (note: although it may not seem like it, there is a thread to this post, and this does tie back into what I was talking about in the first place).

I am typically a vivid dreamer. I remember my dreams very often and in great detail. Most of my dreams are process type dreams. Occassionally I have dreams that seem like stories. In these dreams I am usually omniscient or at least know the thoughts and feelings of more than one of the characters. Sometimes I am one of the characters (though the character is not me, Jennifer) and sometimes I am none of the characters.  My husband has been telling me for years that I should write these dreams down and write a book.

Well for the very first time I feel tempted to do so.

This week, all of my dreams have been story-dreams. It has really been quite entertaining. I have wondered if reading the great literary work by Tolstoy is affecting this. Whatever, it has been interesting. Last night I had a dream that started out in story manner – it was quite a drama. Then the dream ended – kinda. In my dream I played around with different possible endings. Then, I dreamed that the book was made into a movie. I was telling a friend about it, and how I didn’t like the movie as much because they took out the beginning scene from the book (my earlier dream) and moved the location from the city to the country.

All very very vivid, and very clear characters. My father was the father in the story, but otherwise none of the characters were people I know. So I got up and wrote about it. Who knows, maybe I will write a book…gasp..choke….overwhelming fear….who knows.