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Nocturnal Ruminations

I am at work and it is being a slow night. TIRED! This is my 5th night, and one more to go. That is a long stretch for 12hr shifts. I feel as if I have been at this hospital forEver. Thursday I will head to Las Cruces to visit the Mom and GPs. I am looking forward to it. The drive may be long, but hey, plenty of time for thoughtful reflection!

Being in the different environment that I am, I have been thinking alot about cultural differences of different regions. I have truly stepped into a different realm. People are people at the individual level, but at the group level the differences are more evident. Not only am I in a small town, but this is also ranching country. People talk differently, have different interests and the very pace of life feels a little different. It is interesting, and I am learning alot, not only about my surroundings, but also about myself. I feel a bit of the outsider (which I am); a part of me wants to “fit in” and mold myself into a piece that fits in with this environment – but I don’t fit very well, and it cramps. So it gives me an opportunity to examine myself and my motivations and my self-acceptance – for it to be okay to be different and maintain my individuality while still gleaning a great deal from this experience. I also get to look at my tendency toward being judgmental. I long for intellectual discussion, but the gamut of the conversation with my acquaintances so far (with the exception of my manager) has been who is doing what and where and perhaps a bit about local interests such as hunting and fishing. Sure, a part of me wants to fit in and gab with the rest of them. But thankfully the larger part of me wants more than that for myself and doesn’t feel comfortable. Yet I have to be careful about my tendency to judge people when they are different from me. Ah well. The balance between compromising myself and feeling comfortable and well, fitting in amongst a variety of people. This quote from Marianne Williamson fits in here:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”

Now this is where I want to be. Instead of judging others and myself for not fitting in like a glove, I want to accept myself where I am – and to accept that I have a lot of wonderful qualities and then not to be afraid to let those qualities shine to the world.



2 Responses

  1. Lovely quote. Not trying to fit in is hard. I quote Ani DiFranco that, one thing about childhood learning that all of us, maybe with the exception of those homeschooled go through. “When I was five years old they showed me a picture of three oranges and a pear. They asked me which one is different, and does not belong? They taught me different is wrong.” So from very young we are taught this, and it is not something I thought about till she pointed it out. You have a great personality and I’m sure that , though you may not gab about gossip, your co-workers will see that through working with you.

    Love you, and it was great chatting to you for the few minutes we did!

  2. I love that, thanks for sharing it with me. I think that I/we may particularly relate to that because of (speaking for myself anyway) where we grew up I was always made very aware that we were ‘different’, were outsiders. I think that for me the journey has been to learn to accept myself, to ‘fit in’ with myself and who and how I really truly want to be and feel good about. I have more to say about that, but not enough time. It was great talking with you yesterday, however briefly!

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