• Current Reading List

    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.

Sometimes I feel like…

really grumbling and complaining about a lot of different things that I have no immediate control over, or about choices I have made. Examples right now are the economy, my personal finances, whether I am going to be able to pay my my bills this month, whether or not I can afford to get my hair cut and then feeling guilty because I did it anyway, the amount of hours I am working right now and being asked to do more, feeling like I am always behind at work, lousy (I mean really lousy) pay, sharing an office, not getting enough sleep, waking up too damn early… I really could go on. My eyebrows furrow and the deep dark crease that crosses my brow penetrates into my mindset and I feel a dark and gloomy heaviness settle in upon my soul. And then I want to say a lot of curse words.

It is really easy for me to go there. And sometimes I stay there for a while. Believe me, I am not a very nice person to be around when I am there. I certainly don’t like being there, but sometimes it feels to difficult to leave that place…although I must admit, it is not difficult at all, sometimes I just don’t want to leave, I want to stay in ‘poor me’. It feels like I have been going to this place a heck of a lot lately.

But the truth of the matter is, I have so many other wonderful things in my life right now that all that stuff doesn’t matter. My brow unfurrows, erasing the crease and light and contentment fill my being. Yeah, those are all real problems that I may need to deal with at some point to see what I can do about them, or if I want to do anything about them (like find another job). Today  I am choosing to settle back into trust. Trust that I will be taken care of, and that I am going to be okay. Because truly, under a lot of that grumbling is fear, especially about finances and that fear leads to anger as I try to protect myself and this viscious cycle of negativity and gloom begins. *sigh* It certainly doesn’t help me. It just makes me feel bad about myself and my world.

The way for me to release that negativity is through prayer and meditation. How simple! and yet how often I forget or avoid. Last night, I made the mistake of checking work email right before I went to bed. And I got frustrated and mad, rebelling against something I don’t want to do, my thoughts spinning in darkness as the furrow in my brow deepened, and I just knew it was going to be another night of tossing and turning. Then I started to pray. And you know what?!, I had the best night of sleep!

Okay, so I feel like I must say that when others talk about ‘praying’ and when I read my own words ‘I prayed and then everything was hunky dorey’, I feel like gagging myself with a spoon. Those are feelings from my past, that look down upon praying as religious and they are not quite reconciled with the spiritual reality of my present.

Enough rambling! There is work to do and I set out to achieve it this morning with a light heart and a mind that is at ease.

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