• Current Reading List

    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.

Doldrums

That is where I am living today. In the doldrums. Low grade depression and high grade apathy. I feel like being immobile. I feel sad. I feel like going to bed. That is where I like to go when I feel like this, and I am glad to say that these days I only actually go there about 5 times out of ten. I don’t know for certain why I feel this way today. It probably has something to do with that damned scale and the effects it has on my mind when I get on it every day, which I have been doing and I know better and yes I do love run-on sentences. It is how I talk, so I might as well write that way. I suppose it doesn’t matter where this state of being comes from, more that it is here.

I realized this morning that when I feel like this, I pretty much keep it to myself. I might talk to people about it after the fact. If I admit it to myself. I might even tell my husband the day that it is occuring that “I feel depressed today”. But then I don’t want to talk about it. I may or may not process it after it passes. I may not recognize it at all. I sit here wondering ‘why today’. I mean, I have had some pretty wonderful days this week. Days filled with joy, where I have just felt so good and grateful. It is almost like some twisted little part of me (my ego perhaps) feels the need to balance out the happy with equal parts sad. That mentality of “don’t spoil a good thing”, like somehow I can only have so much happiness.

But futher pondering and I realize that I have quite a few days like this – they aren’t so rare after all. Sometimes I just refuse to accept them, refuse to feel sad. Then what happens is that I feel irritable all day, I inevitably start and argument or find something to bemoan that fuels my misery and avoids the feeling of sadness.

Whatever it is, I am willing to let it pass through. I am trying not to let it incapacitate me today -a day in which I had some very spiritually healing activities planned. Activities that I am avoiding even as we speak by typing this post (I planned to be there an hour ago).

At least I made it to the gym this morning. And I am “talking” about it, even if just to cyberspace and not to real people in real time who might give me feedback that I may or may not want to hear. I must admit I may be avoiding going to this planned activity – an al-anon convention because it might make me feel better. It might make me feel worse – damned happy recovering people.

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