• Current Reading List

    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.

Grief and Change

I have so much to write about.  These thoughts and various words keep zipping in and out of my mind, and I want to give them form and meaning but am feeling pretty incapable. Soothing…I need soothing, and these things called words that pour from my fingers can be like a balm on these hurt places. However, my choice of words and the words of others can also dig into wounds to tear and rend.

Truthfully I am sick unto death of hurtful words, words that divide and separate. Words that aren’t necessarily spoken aloud, but that penetrate the spaces between supposed loved ones with their stony silence and make their intent so very very clear.

I have the ability to use my words to hurt, to wound, just as words have been used against me. Such powerful little things! So easily misused! But for now I want to focus on words that heal, at the very least to heal myself.

I am reading Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own…and I want to devour it and run out and get everything ever written by this magnificient lady. Then I also want to savor every syllable and ponder the deeper meanings and currents of her words. For now, before I digress too far, I want to share with you some of her words that were of particular help to me yesterday:

One only has to read, to look, to listen, to remember. But why say ‘blame”? Why, if it was an illusion, not praise the catastrophe, whatever it was, that destroyed illusion and put truth in its place?…Yes indeed, which was truth and which was illusion?…I spare you the twists and turns of my cogitations, for no conclusion was found…”

Friday there occurred a minor catastrophe that is creating great hurt in my family. It is this minor catastrophe that the words above were so helpful to me to process. This occurred on the wake of a much greater catastrophe from which none of us had yet begun to heal, but instead were dealing with the thrust back into normal life after the storm. That in itself was painful and a challenge for us all, I know. I never imagined how painful, how much regret, how difficult to walk amongst others as if in a fog and feel so distant and removed. To say that my cogitations have been convoluted seem inadequate to describe my thought processes as I sought to make sense out of a lot of chaos. I am coming to terms with the reality that I will never make sense out of it, but hope to find peace. The greater catastrophe was the death of my oldest sister last week. I have much to say about that, fleeting thought forms that desire to be given these hard little black forms on this screen. But that will have to wait.
The minor catastrophe (minor only in light of the major) is the loss of my younger sister. No she is not dead, but she feels very lost to me and to others in my family right now. You know, I always heard about people doing crazy things when someone died; crazy things that were so hurtful. But I never imagined how harmful, how difficult to all those grieving and never imagined that it would truly happen in my family until it started last weekend. I am almost still in disbelief and I want to deny that she could…ah well, I don’t feel ready to write about that now. And maybe I will never feel ready. But I do pray for peace for us all.

And all of this while my husband is dealing with his own grief half way across the world…and I cannot be there. And I miss him so much.

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