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    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
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damned sadness

i am sick unto death of it. sick sick sick. i feel like i have been sad forever. i know that i am likely doing some avoiding, or maybe i am in denial, which just prolongs the feelings, but i hate it nonetheless. this week has been really hard. i am tired of waking up feeling sad. feeling sad about a lot of things and feeling a lot of damned grief. grief has always been an emotion which i avoid like the plague. i guess most people do. it doesn’t feel good. it is hard and uncomfortable and makes my eyeballs ache.but i have NEVER dealt with any grief like this. compared to this, the complicated grief i experienced as a result of rape and a lost marriage seem like nothing. that may be an illusion designed to protect my fragile self, but whatever the hell…this grief hurts. and it is complicated by other damned factors. stuff with another sister for one. primarily that my husband is half-way across the country and i have barely spoken with him. worry for him and feeling helpless because i don’t know what he is going through and i can’t be there for him. i miss him so acutely it is like a knife wound. we have been apart for much longer than this, so don’t think i am just being a clingy whiny baby (and if you do think it just keep your damned mouth shut).  but never under such trying circumstances for both of us. maybe this is supposed to be like this so i can have time with my sadness (damned sadness) and space to grieve, while allowing him space to deal with what he needs too. but the missing and the lonliness is torturous.

well it hasn’t all been black, so since this post is probably the most depressing post i have ever written (its all about perspective you know) i will briefly focus in on what has been good this week.

I have been surrounded by love, by women that love me. by men that love me. my brother, my father, my nephews, and even my husbands friends who have kept in touch with me to make sure i am okay. beautiful women that call me, and come to see me, take me out, email me and generally let me know that i am loved. i am so grateful for all of them. truly what i want to do is lay in bed on stinking sheets and pull the covers over my head and sink into impenetrable sadness. but these wonderful women won’t let me. blessed women.

i went to a meeting on wednesday and there was this beautiful woman from a time in my past when i was in a lot of pain. she meant a lot to me then and it felt so good to see her now. then there were all the other women. this is a meeting of women that i used to consider family…and somehow i drifted away from them, perhaps i judged them or felt that i was ready for something else. the enveloping love that i felt at that meeting was overwhelming. i started to cry and it felt so healing to just let the tears pour down my face and know that all of those women were supporting me in my grief…women whom i have loved for long, women i barely knew, and women i had not met before. the tears flowed and i felt a tiny glimmer of healing. wrapped in the love and support of women in recovery. it is one of the most profound experiences of my life. then, when i left them meeting a post-it on my window said “you are loved” with a little heart. no signature. just an outpouring of love. i felt the message was straight from my goddess…showing me her love and telling me that i would make it through this.

and as if that message weren’t clear enough. the next day, my marathon clinical day, i left the hospital feeling so drained and dreading going home to an empty house. well empty except for two little inconsolable kitties who mew their distress at my distress and the absence of their beloved person. when i get to my car, there is a little note. i know not from whom…well i do know, again a note from my higher power. it said “i love your bumper stickers. god bless you too” (i have a lot of bumper stickers…love them, and one of them says “god bless everyone, no exceptions”). I needed that love, and i needed to be reminded of it today as i sit holding the phone worriedly, sadly.


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