• Current Reading List

    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.

On Being Amazed

I often am amazed by various women in my life – this one going back to school, this one’s big accomplishment, this one’s physical abilities, etc etc. Amazed and inspired. I realized just a few moments ago, that for the first time I am really allowing myself to be amazed….by me. And why not? Why not amaze myself? It feels as if I am shedding an old leathery worn out skin that for some reason stayed attached for way too long. Perhaps it was not a skin at all, but rather a parasitic veil of thinking that I had picked up somewhere along the way. It fed on discouragement, self-effacement, and self-doubt. Perhaps it was cause for the short-lived nature of previous accomplishments – particularly in the realm of my body, my self-image and my physical fitness.

Shedding, shedding. My back stretches as it completely rolls away. There is tenderness in the reveal new skin and I hestitate to expose it completely to the light. Excuses creep in: ‘don’t you have like a million and two things that you need to be doing right now?’. I refuse to listen and into the light I burst.

I am amazed by myself. Reflecting back on the last year, really last 7 or 8 months, I am surprised and awed and proud. Last May I started preparing to start running. It took me 1 hour to walk 3 miles. Then slowly I started adding in some running. Initially just seconds at a time. Those first days, really first months, it was torture. I hated it. I felt ridiculous running at my weight and even more riduculous that I could only run for seconds. But I kept at it. Two days ago I ran 7 miles. SEVEN FREAKING MILES!!! It took me 91 minutes. I did walk a little, but only for about 7 minutes. That means I ran for EIGHTY-FOUR minutes. Amazing that I – who have been afraid of sports, afraid of activity, afraid of looking ridiculous – can do this, and I continue to do more. Oh, and I love it. Its not torture anymore.

I am amazed.

This morning I worked out at the little gym up the road. I was doing some circuit training on various machines – both strength and aerobic, trying to mix up my workout. Suddenly it dawned on my that I didn’t feel intimidated by or less than anyone else in that gym. That is how I used to feel. Especially when I was in the “men’s area” where all the weights are. Today I felt confident. I felt like I belonged there. I was working as hard or harder than every other person in that gym – and my size, my level of fitness didn’t matter. I was just there working out, enjoying my progress and sweating up a flood. I have muscles in places I didn’t know my body had a potential for muscles. Its quite fun really.  Amazing.

Lastly (for now), last night I squeezed….well actually I didn’t squeeze at all, I slid very nicely and comfortably into a pair of size 12 slacks. (I hate that word slacks, but dress pants sounds equally gross particularly when talking about these lovely pants). I haven’t worn them in too many years to think about and they fit better than they ever did.  Just last May when I started this running business I wore a size 20 and sometimes a 22. I have two more pairs of pants in the closet that don’t fit yet. Just two. Then its on to new territory. Amazing.

This year I want to continue to amaze myself. In various areas of my life. I want to continued to be amazed and proud of me and to not have the least little bit of shame about saying so. So there old skin!

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