too much to say

My thoughts are like little bumper cars today….careening wildly around the enclosure of my mind and smashing into each other with reckless abandon. Unlike bumper cars, whom do not generate progeny with each collision, my thoughts crash against each other and form new little thoughtlets that quickly grow and yearn for new avenues of thought… “follow me here”, “no, no I am the one you want to follow”, “pick me me MEEE”. As soon as I mentally turn to follow one train of thought, there is another demanding equal attention. I want to write about my body and health, about running, about the clothes I wear when running (and wondering if there is a running line out there for overweight women’s bodies)…I want to write about my spirituality and this sense of being led and guided, but at the same time feeling so very blind and frightened as all these changes are happening in my life. I want to write about nursing and my thoughts on being a nurse, my personal philosophies about the practice of nursing and how I am forced to look harder at myself and my practice during this time of looking for new job possibilities (what do I really want to do? and why?)

Ah me, so many thoughtlets. I also want to start getting together thoughts for this book I want to write. I mentally write paragraphs and start new chapters just about every day…but the getting onto paper is a challenge. I actually think I want to “write” this book, or at least start that way until my thoughts are more cogent. So I bought a pretty little journal to get started on this process about two weeks ago. And there it sits on my coffee table, its pristine pages quite neglected.

I think it is no coincidence that I am stirred into movement (both mentally and physically) today and the sun is shining. Well, most of the time anyway…there are quite a few puffy white clouds and some even have ominous dark linings…but they are scattered enough to let that marvelous sunshine through. As I type, I am sitting on my front steps and reveling in the feeloing of the sun on my face. I am like a bear coming out of hibernation , a long and cold and sickly hibernation at that (still dealing with the vestiges [i.e. mucus and snot that have taken up residence in my upper bronchioles and sinuses]) of that darned bronchitis …and I yearn for activity. Well at least I did make a “writing date” and I finally ran (still hacking) today. Its a start.

Advertisements