• Current Reading List

    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.
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too much to say

My thoughts are like little bumper cars today….careening wildly around the enclosure of my mind and smashing into each other with reckless abandon. Unlike bumper cars, whom do not generate progeny with each collision, my thoughts crash against each other and form new little thoughtlets that quickly grow and yearn for new avenues of thought… “follow me here”, “no, no I am the one you want to follow”, “pick me me MEEE”. As soon as I mentally turn to follow one train of thought, there is another demanding equal attention. I want to write about my body and health, about running, about the clothes I wear when running (and wondering if there is a running line out there for overweight women’s bodies)…I want to write about my spirituality and this sense of being led and guided, but at the same time feeling so very blind and frightened as all these changes are happening in my life. I want to write about nursing and my thoughts on being a nurse, my personal philosophies about the practice of nursing and how I am forced to look harder at myself and my practice during this time of looking for new job possibilities (what do I really want to do? and why?)

Ah me, so many thoughtlets. I also want to start getting together thoughts for this book I want to write. I mentally write paragraphs and start new chapters just about every day…but the getting onto paper is a challenge. I actually think I want to “write” this book, or at least start that way until my thoughts are more cogent. So I bought a pretty little journal to get started on this process about two weeks ago. And there it sits on my coffee table, its pristine pages quite neglected.

I think it is no coincidence that I am stirred into movement (both mentally and physically) today and the sun is shining. Well, most of the time anyway…there are quite a few puffy white clouds and some even have ominous dark linings…but they are scattered enough to let that marvelous sunshine through. As I type, I am sitting on my front steps and reveling in the feeloing of the sun on my face. I am like a bear coming out of hibernation , a long and cold and sickly hibernation at that (still dealing with the vestiges [i.e. mucus and snot that have taken up residence in my upper bronchioles and sinuses]) of that darned bronchitis …and I yearn for activity. Well at least I did make a “writing date” and I finally ran (still hacking) today. Its a start.

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New Year’s Un-Resolutions

Let me take a moment to diverge from the topic before I get started. I do have a tendency to veer off topic, so I figure why not just get it done with at the beginning and the the remainder of the post might have more of a chance of staying topic-focused. might.

So I really wanted to blog quite a bit while on break from school. I thought about blogging daily, but couldn’t get past the thought and into the action. Writers block? Fear? I joined an online community called “She Writes” with the intention of setting off my intention to write and providing myself with incentive, support, blah blah. I have danced around the edge of the website and around the edge of writing. I am definitely experiencing some fears, but they are amorphous at present. Just wanted to get that down.

Now, on to the topic! New Year’s Un-Resolutions. I had been calling them “hopes” or “goals”. Resolutions just seem so heavy. I mean, how many people do you hear talk about how they don’t set resolutions because they always break them OR they do set them and they always break them. Doesn’t sound like fun for me. My ego tends to feed on failure and that sure sounds like a perfect set up for it to feed like mad. Never good for my self-esteem.

Then my mom sent me an “un-birthday” card, which got me to thinking. Resolutions are kind of like birthdays – in that there is often a lot of lead up to, maybe you want to celebrate or you don’t. The day passes, and then you forget about it for a year. On the other hand, an “un-birthday” can happen at anytime. Un-birthdays can be everyday celebrations, and truly are virtually everyday. At least 363 of them. So why not “un-resolutions”. Instead of one-time a year high hopes that you have such good intentions about and then lay by the way-side – try on 363 days worth of hopes and plans for yourself. Its like a resolution but doesn’t carry all the negative connotations and there is no expectation that it will be broken. So Un-Resolutions it is for me this year.

I have felt rather ambivalent about my hopes for this year. No, that’s not right. I feel anxious and in limbo. So many things I want to do this year. So many possibilities. I see paths leading off in multiple directions… Where will I go? What will I do? It all depends on several factors that are out  of my control. And that royally sucks. A wonderful friend starting talking to me about her visin board. She makes a board for the year of things that she wants for herself. Some are definite and some are more vague or uncertain. Or perhaps better to say that they are possibilities. So we got together this weekend and began work on vision boards for the year. She brought along her board from last year and it was really beautiful. Lots of colors and images and drawings. A great deal of the content had come to fruition for her. Other things had changed and she no longer wanted them for herself. I wonder if perhaps putting it out there like that helped her to clarify what she really wanted.

So we set to work. I hadn’t really put into thought anything in particular I wanted for my board. I knew some things….others are less clear. As I pored through magazines looking for pictures, images of my year’s vision began to take form. Yes! I want to dance, to paint, to love, to laugh, to play, to write…..all these thoughts were madly dashing about saying “What about me, what about me!!!??” As I wrote them done on a scrap of paper and began collecting images priorities began to take shape.  I still have work to do on my board, but I love it. It is beautiful so far. I am looking forward to its completion and seeing myself blossom this year. Just a few major Un-Resolutions for this year:

  1. Run a half-marathon (that is 13 miles btw!!!)
  2. Be creative – this one is multitudinal. I want to draw and paint and make jewelry and possibly learn to sing.
  3. Write more. Specifically submit writing to a blog editor. (yikes there’s that big ugly fear monster’s head!)
  4. Get fit – reach my ideal body weight. shape my body. This one is related to #1 and perhaps should be #1. I don’t know what ideal is for me. I am looking forward to uncovering, releasing and finding out.
  5. Live in a home and neighborhood I love. We will most likely sell this year. There are a lot of things I love about living here – but some not so nice things too. If we don’t sell I want to love where I am. I am slowly moving in that direction now as we make our home more “me” and “us”.
  6. Feel well-compensated for what I do (career-wise). I don’t feel that way now and I don’t like it. I love what I do, but I don’t feel well compensated at all and it creates this negativity and resentment that just doesn’t feel good.

There is more, but I am expecting company and should try and pull myself together. Look presentable and all that.