• Current Reading List

    Peaceful Action, Open Heart - Thich Nhat Hanh*** Eat, Pray, Love*** Peaceful Living - Mary Mackenzie(daily reader)*** The Vein of Gold - Julia Cameron (this is a read a chapter a week type book)*** Dubliners - James Joyce*** Nursing: The Philosophy and Science of Caring - Jean Watson*** The Diary of Virginia Woolf. Volume I***
  • Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.
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New Year’s Un-Resolutions

Let me take a moment to diverge from the topic before I get started. I do have a tendency to veer off topic, so I figure why not just get it done with at the beginning and the the remainder of the post might have more of a chance of staying topic-focused. might.

So I really wanted to blog quite a bit while on break from school. I thought about blogging daily, but couldn’t get past the thought and into the action. Writers block? Fear? I joined an online community called “She Writes” with the intention of setting off my intention to write and providing myself with incentive, support, blah blah. I have danced around the edge of the website and around the edge of writing. I am definitely experiencing some fears, but they are amorphous at present. Just wanted to get that down.

Now, on to the topic! New Year’s Un-Resolutions. I had been calling them “hopes” or “goals”. Resolutions just seem so heavy. I mean, how many people do you hear talk about how they don’t set resolutions because they always break them OR they do set them and they always break them. Doesn’t sound like fun for me. My ego tends to feed on failure and that sure sounds like a perfect set up for it to feed like mad. Never good for my self-esteem.

Then my mom sent me an “un-birthday” card, which got me to thinking. Resolutions are kind of like birthdays – in that there is often a lot of lead up to, maybe you want to celebrate or you don’t. The day passes, and then you forget about it for a year. On the other hand, an “un-birthday” can happen at anytime. Un-birthdays can be everyday celebrations, and truly are virtually everyday. At least 363 of them. So why not “un-resolutions”. Instead of one-time a year high hopes that you have such good intentions about and then lay by the way-side – try on 363 days worth of hopes and plans for yourself. Its like a resolution but doesn’t carry all the negative connotations and there is no expectation that it will be broken. So Un-Resolutions it is for me this year.

I have felt rather ambivalent about my hopes for this year. No, that’s not right. I feel anxious and in limbo. So many things I want to do this year. So many possibilities. I see paths leading off in multiple directions… Where will I go? What will I do? It all depends on several factors that are out  of my control. And that royally sucks. A wonderful friend starting talking to me about her visin board. She makes a board for the year of things that she wants for herself. Some are definite and some are more vague or uncertain. Or perhaps better to say that they are possibilities. So we got together this weekend and began work on vision boards for the year. She brought along her board from last year and it was really beautiful. Lots of colors and images and drawings. A great deal of the content had come to fruition for her. Other things had changed and she no longer wanted them for herself. I wonder if perhaps putting it out there like that helped her to clarify what she really wanted.

So we set to work. I hadn’t really put into thought anything in particular I wanted for my board. I knew some things….others are less clear. As I pored through magazines looking for pictures, images of my year’s vision began to take form. Yes! I want to dance, to paint, to love, to laugh, to play, to write…..all these thoughts were madly dashing about saying “What about me, what about me!!!??” As I wrote them done on a scrap of paper and began collecting images priorities began to take shape.  I still have work to do on my board, but I love it. It is beautiful so far. I am looking forward to its completion and seeing myself blossom this year. Just a few major Un-Resolutions for this year:

  1. Run a half-marathon (that is 13 miles btw!!!)
  2. Be creative – this one is multitudinal. I want to draw and paint and make jewelry and possibly learn to sing.
  3. Write more. Specifically submit writing to a blog editor. (yikes there’s that big ugly fear monster’s head!)
  4. Get fit – reach my ideal body weight. shape my body. This one is related to #1 and perhaps should be #1. I don’t know what ideal is for me. I am looking forward to uncovering, releasing and finding out.
  5. Live in a home and neighborhood I love. We will most likely sell this year. There are a lot of things I love about living here – but some not so nice things too. If we don’t sell I want to love where I am. I am slowly moving in that direction now as we make our home more “me” and “us”.
  6. Feel well-compensated for what I do (career-wise). I don’t feel that way now and I don’t like it. I love what I do, but I don’t feel well compensated at all and it creates this negativity and resentment that just doesn’t feel good.

There is more, but I am expecting company and should try and pull myself together. Look presentable and all that.

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inspiration strikes

Inspiration and creativity seems to hit me in great spurts, which is great, but unfortunately there are often long pauses where I feel uninspired, apathetic, and generally dull. Also, when I am “struck”, I am often struck by multiple ideas – too many too get down at one time and/or I get so lost in tangents (as evidenced by some of my posts) that I lose the original thought to begin with. OR, and I love this, things come to me that I MUST write about while I am driving down the road, or in the grocery, etc. I have thought about using my phones recorder to save my thoughts, then transcribe later…but that makes me tired.

These creative bursts are not just limited to writing, it also pertains to other things…crochet, drawing, some great collages I have done in the past, and most recently – making jewelry. I have a booth in a local festival in a few weeks and I will be selling my jewelry for the first time. Talk about enough anxiety to make the aristic block loom! Thing is, two weeks ago when I decided to do this, I had not yet made any jewelry to sell. Which means my fingers need to do some fast moving! Up until yesterday, I had made a few pieces here and there…but everything seemed to take sooo long. Then yesterday, my creativity was at a peak and I busted out several beautiful pieces, more than I have done in the past few weeks combine…now to pray the creativity lasts.

See now, my intention when I sat down at this computer was to write about my novice attempts at gardening, my battle with weeds & the big decision of whether or not to sell the house (which believe it or not ties into the gardening because a big part of me wants to sell this summer, but if we do I will not get to reap the bounty of my gardening efforts). sigh.

I also wanted to write about this great idea I had for an article that I need to write (for a scholarly publication…part of my professional goals for myself this year. For some reason I thought that was a good idea when I was submitting my yearly evaluation). It was about working with borderline personality disorder and application of Jean Watson’s caring theory. Something I can implement this summer and then write about my experiences. I still need to jot down my thoughts about that somewhere. I think its a grand idea.

But alas (alas is a darn good word by the way), alas my time is once again done and I am once again procrastinating going to work.

On a ‘final’  excellent note…Finals are today. It is kinda cool to be the one giving the Final Exam and not the one taking it. yes I now that makes me sound kind of dorky. that is what is so loveable about me.